Begin again - Weigh In Tuesday!

And this is where I am today.  I hit the restart button.

My weigh in today is 185.5.  I have gained from where I was around my birthday, but that's okay.  My body has not been well, my mind even less so, and my spirit growing (and growing pains are tough!).

I am still down a considerable amount - more than 30 lbs gone since I moved here.  I am still comfortable in my size 10 pants.  I only gained about 8 lbs, which in the grand scheme of things is NOT the end of the world.

Onward!  I have 20.5 lbs to lose to meet my goal.  Totally doable before the end of the summer.

June 4 - almost another month

Almost a month has gone by and I've not updated.  I have not been counting points.  I have not been weighing in.  I really don't even want to know what the number is, but I will face that tomorrow.  I want to catch up a little bit and then I want to just mark a new, fresh starting point.

I have not been back to work since my health problems started back up in a huge way at the end of April. After much prayer and listening to my doctors' advice and concerns, I am home focusing on my health.  Well, allegedly.  I've really been at home wallowing.

I guess that's not the whole truth, either.  I have had good things going on.  I am blessed every single day - we all are, whether we take the time to appreciate it or not.  My husband and I have had opportunities to walk the beach and spend time with each other in the mornings while the kids are at school.  We've had a couple of breakfast dates at little fun places on the Cape.  We've spent a lot of time talking and holding hands.  He and I hadn't had many opportunities for a date or for just spending time together, so God making me be still has had a very good benefit to my marriage.  Imagine that.  ;)

I was blessed with the ability to go back to the worship team and spend time praising God with some amazing people.  The best part of the group is that we have genuine camaraderie.  I know without a doubt that I have a group of 10 or so people that I can text with a prayer request, and they will stop that second and pray for me, and then keep praying until I've given them an update.  They will send me a song to listen to, a scripture to reference, and a piece of hope and encouragement that will make my heart smile.  They are men and women that have given their gift back to the Lord, and we are growing as a team, and it makes me SO happy.  It is a gift to have this group in my life.

My health isn't great, but I'm better than I was a month ago.  I ended up with injections in the back of my head to make the migraine go away.  It took a little while, but it worked.  Then, at the end of May, I started with the aura symptoms again.  My vision was blurry, my tongue had random swelling, my left side was tingling.  I am going to be very honest and say that I was angry with God that day.  I was angry with myself that day.  I am, and have been, frustrated that I am completely out of control in every aspect of my life lately.  It is frustrating to not be able to do the job that I loved anymore. It is frustrating also to not be able to do the "job" that I have at home - keeping up with the laundry, cooking meals, keeping a house - because I am still physically limited.  It is frustrating to have gotten so out of control with my health and not know what the next day will bring.

I called my dad in tears on Tuesday after my last set of migraine symptoms came back.  He, as Daddies are wont to do, asked lots of questions.  He offered wisdom.  He let me cry.  He also kicked me in the butt a little (which I knew would happen, otherwise I wouldn't have called him).  He reminded me that me not being in control is what is SUPPOSED to be going on.  How can I claim to be a follower of Christ and have so much faith in God and His plan when I'm grasping in thin air at the control I should have relinquished ages ago?  The control we, as humans, fight so hard to hang onto.

Here is where I am going from here:

I am starting an online study over with  Melissa Taylor.  The book we are studying can be downloaded on Kindle, and if you want to travel down the path of organizing in your life, I'd love to have you join me.

I, with my friend Nicole, am participating in a challenge for the month of June over at Shrinking Jeans. She and I are team Moms2Boys.

This morning, I made good choices for breakfast and tracked in my Weight Watchers tracker.  I had egg whites scrambled with zucchini and mushrooms, and an English muffin with a smidge of raspberry preserves.  Delish!

I will own whatever the scale says tomorrow morning and renew my weight loss and health journey.

I believe that God has a plan for me.  I know it is my job to listen and be faithful - not only on the days that it is easy, the sun is shining, and my body feels good.  It is my job to listen and be faithful EVERY day.  In the valleys and on the mountain tops, in the sunshine and the rain, when the kids cooperate and when they are little turkeys.  God never promised us it'd be easy.  He promised us He'd be beside us every step of the way, though.  He loves us.  That's it.

Life. Just life.

I've not written in a while.  I'm sad about it, but I'm going to do my best to catch up.  There is no weigh in involved today - and maybe not for a couple of weeks.  I'm going to go back toward my birthday and try to recap the past few weeks.  

The weekend before my birthday, the handsome hubby and I got to get away.  It was magical and beautiful, and only overnight, but SO needed.  We escaped to a B&B near Mystic, CT.  We had one of the nicest suites there - it had a huge whirlpool tub and towel warmers, a fireplace, and the grounds were beautiful.  The staff there was gracious and helpful, and we would love to go back and make a tradition of staying there.  So if you're in New England, Stonecroft is a beautiful place to get away for a weekend.  A kind of TMI NSV involved here, but actually utilizing a two person whirlpool tub as TWO persons and not one big ol' person is quite gratifying.  It brought me to tears, honestly.  I was able to wear a sweet little dress that I picked up on clearance at Old Navy for $15, but I felt like a million bucks.  It was magical to reconnect with my husband.  The two of us have been working so much and passing like ships in the night - barely having time to see each other, much less celebrate being married to each other.  We held hands, visited the Mystic Aquarium, laughed, and actually looked into one another's faces.  Seriously, a fantastic time.  

Right before we left for Mystic, we received an invitation to a luncheon honoring the Coast Guard Spouse of the Year and an awards ceremony for Military Spouse of the Year in Washington, D.C. coming up in May.  We immediately phoned in our RSVP.  I felt so honored to be invited to celebrate my dear friend, Jennifer, and so thankful that she included me in one of the projects that led her to receiving this designation.  After discussion, we decided to make a family trip of it, and take the kids to Washington, D.C. with us and visit the National Zoo and other landmarks together.  What an opportunity!


We came back and were struck in the face with reality.  Back to work, back to kids' school projects, back to life.  Just life.  But here's where I want to put my focus today, and it's a place I've visited before: at what point are we living life, celebrating life, enjoying and being grateful for life, and at which point are we merely existing?  Existing is easy.  You breathe in and out.  You travel the paths in your day to day life.  Wake up, coffee, shower (if you're lucky), kids ready for school, work all day, homework with kids, laundry, dinner, bedtime prayers, sleep.  Then the next day you do it all over again.  Throw in some after school activities or something, and where is the LIFE?  It's just running back and forth and all over.  Please don't misunderstand me.  I'm not condemning anyone who is able to celebrate and embrace life with all the busyness I'm talking about.  On the contrary, I admire that ability.  My physical limitations, however, really hinder the LIVING part there.


I went back to work, plugging through.  I managed over the past few months to furnish 5 new townhomes on the base for rental this summer.  Our team at work had been working very hard to make up for a construction project - I'm not going to get into all of it, but there's been a lot going on.  My body has been very tired, but I have been working so hard, and we have been receiving praise for the work our team has done.  


I might mention, by the way, that looking to God for guidance has not been at the top of my list.  I have been so busy - He wouldn't be providing all this STUFF if He didn't want me to do it, right?  Did I ever stop to ask, or stop to listen?  NO.  Not at all.  I haven't used my prayer journal in months, or stopped in prayer and sought guidance.  Ladies' Retreat?  Absolutely!  God wants me to do that, right?  Bigger workload at the office?  Sure!  I've got it!  Figuring out childcare for different events, knowing that my husband's career in the CG hampers that - I mean, really...it's not like he can call in because I don't have a sitter, right?!  I have been going like a whirlwind - paying no mind to what I am picking up and what I am passing by.


Two weeks ago, a hiccup happened.  I was singing at church that morning with the Worship Team.  I had a Leaders' meeting after church for the upcoming Womens' Retreat.  My older son woke up having a meltdown and exhibiting signs that he was having a hard day.  Knowing that I had that obligation after church - the meeting - and knowing that the kids would have to be with me...and then knowing that the next day was back to school from Spring Break... All of this KNOWING, all of this self-imposed pressure, all of this ME.  I said a prayer that morning, and spoke with the lady in charge, and told her that I needed to be a Mom that day.  The relief of praying about it and seeking what God had for me was huge.  The weight of knowing that I possibly was disappointing, inconveniencing, and likely annoying a group of women was significant, but hearing God say, "I love you.  Be a Mom.  It's okay," was enough comfort.  There were waves of relief.  Women I love and trust that God has placed in my life reassured me, as well, and offered prayers for me.


I did relax that afternoon at home with my boys.  I was a Mom.  It had been a long time, and it was SO nice to enjoy my boys.  I sure am a lucky lady to have these sweet dudes here.


The next day, I got the numbness in my face that signaled a migraine was coming.  That was the day before I posted that I met my 25 lbs lost milestone.  That Tuesday, I ended up at the neurologist.  Whether anyone will actually read up on Hemiplegic Migraines, I don't know, but here is a highlight from Web MD:

Migraines are unpredictable and unique to each person. You may have a hemiplegic migraine headache with extreme pain and minor paralysis one month. Then the next attack might bring extreme paralysis without much headache pain at all.

Symptoms of hemiplegic migraine include:

• Severe, throbbing pain, often on one side of your head
• A pins-and-needles feeling, often moving from your hand up your arm
• Numbness on one side of your body, which can include your arm, leg, and/or one side of your face
• Weakness or paralysis on one side of your body
• Loss of balance and coordination
• Visual aura, such as seeing zigzag lines, double vision, or blind spots
• Language difficulties, such as mixing words or trouble remembering a word
• Slurred speech
• Dizziness or vertigo
• Nausea and vomiting
• Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smell
• Confusion
• Decreased consciousness or coma

The only symptoms I did not experience are vomiting and coma.  The migraine completely weakened the left side of my body.  I could not see clearly.  I couldn't make out facial features.  I certainly couldn't drive. I visited the neurologist, who reassured me that this is "normal" for this kind of migraine, and that I just needed to be patient while we figure out which medicines will work for me.  Thursday came that week, and I was still home.  Things had not gotten better.  Friday came, and I was in significant pain.  Honestly a 10 on the pain scale pain.  The neurologist sent me to the ER for pain management in hopes that the migraine would go away.  I rode in the car with a ball cap, sunglasses, a coat over my face, and stumbled into the hospital.  I ended up being admitted for a few days, while they treated my new "normal."  I had an MRI, a CT scan, a Reiki practitioner visited, and lots and lots and LOTS of medicine.    


I left the hospital on Monday, with my headache still here.  Today is Sunday, nearly a week later, and my headache is still here.  I have marked weakness remaining on my left side.  I have tingling and numbness.  I have gobs of pills that I am ingesting in hopes that something will work in my body to stop the symptoms and provide maintenance and control in the future.  In all of that, you know what I realized?  I haven't been listening.  God knocked me on my butt and made me be still.  Not on my own accord, because truly I hadn't been still in months.


Know what the theme of the ladies' retreat was?  Guess.


Be still.  


"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.  You reckon He wanted me there?  You think all of this is a coincidence?  I know God is working in my life.  God is making changes in my life that I was not prepared to make on my own.  God is placing people in my life right now that have been prayer warriors for me - people I hardly know.  But you know what?  He's got it.  God is in control.  I have no doubt there.


So my plans for D.C. are foiled.  I am so sad that I will not be there to celebrate Jen, but I know she understands and longs for me to be healthy.  I have not driven myself anywhere in almost 2 weeks now.  We have had lovely friends prepare meals for us, and I have had friends babysitting me and chauffeuring me to the doctor when my handsome hubby has not been available.  God has rendered me weak and vulnerable, and I am a captive audience.  I am listening.  I am looking.  I am searching.  


Why weight?  Why?  When there is life to be lived, why focus on weight?  I am focusing on my overall health.  Right now my weight has gone up a little bit - I am on a steroid, I have been lethargic and ordered to bed, and pumped full of fluids in the hospital.  I am not beating myself up about that right now.  


If my lessons I am learning help anyone, then I know it has been worth it.  If they help my family, even better.  I know God will provide for us - He always has.  I know God has a purpose for me.  He has a plan for me.  God's plan is not for me to be on my rear like this long-term.  His plan involves me being healed and helping others.  That much I know.  I just have to remember to stop and listen, and not take matters into my own hands.  


If you're still reading after all this, please be in prayer for me.  Specifically pray for discernment, for open ears, and an open heart.  We are being led to make some big decisions right now that will impact our family in many ways, and I need the confidence of knowing that it is God's decision I am making, not Amber's.  


I am being still today.  If you have not been still in a while, I urge you to on your own accord...because it's not fun when God sits you down for a "come to Jesus" meeting.  Better to sit down and be still before it gets to that point.  


My migraine persists, and I see my neurologist this coming Tuesday.  Hopefully I will have a good update at that point.

A teaser...

I have been awful about writing, though I did change the look of my blog over the weekend. This will have to tide you over until I can sit and really write about all the changes and good things that have been going on.

Thank you for still reading. <3

Checking in Friday evening

I love my tracker and that it shows that you guys were looking for a weigh in post!

Here's this week's scoop:

My weigh in this week hit a big milestone - I am no longer obese!  I have been obese for the better part of my adult life.  I had to get below 180 to qualify as "overweight."  Funny how that can make someone so happy, right?  Yee-haw!  I'm overweight!!!  Yeah, well - YEE HAW!  I'm overweight!  I know that being overweight still leads to increased risk of health problems, and I am dedicated to being the healthiest person I can be.  I know I am on the right track.  My handsome hubby asked me this morning if I expected when I started on January 1 to have seen the progress I see here - 60% of the way to my goal.  My answer was honest - "I wasn't really worried about it."  I think that's the difference this time compared to times in the past.  I am not obsessed with the number.  I do track it.  I weigh in each week, and sometimes in between my weigh in day.  I am not overly obsessed about making it to the number.  I'm still a little in disbelief about being under 180 lbs right now.  I don't feel excessively jubilant - but I do appreciate glances in the mirror when I can tell that my figure has changed dramatically.

Last week at bowling, one of my male neighbors asked if I had been losing weight.  It was really cute because he kind of apologized to my husband for noticing, which I thought was super awesome, because my husband responded with, "Yeah!  I tell her all the time how awesome she's doing."  Talk about making a girl feel special.  <3  I consider that an NSV.  Another NSV was trying on my string bean husband's jeans this morning, and proceeding to fasten them completely and comfortably.  I could have worn them to town (and might in the coming days).

After my weigh in last week, with Nicole having gotten up in the middle of the night so excited for me, I received even more support from her than I expected.  I hung out with her and her mom for her mom's birthday one evening last week and received a gift.  I got the 10% keychain!  Nicole had ordered it for me in anticipation of me reaching my goal!  How fantastic is that?  What an awesome gift.  I can't wait to have earned little charms for it.  Even though I don't attend the meetings, I have earned it, and even if I have to order the charms myself, I'll be getting them!

As a reward for my 10% goal, I got myself 2 magazine subscriptions.  I love looking at magazines, and even more now that cute clothes are more of a reality.  I ordered Self and Glamour.  I am really excited about it, and it's a nice little escape for me in this very testosterone filled house.  I need all the girly I can get!

My goals the past few weeks have not been weight loss oriented.  I have been more focused on quality time with my family.  We went twice last week to the beach to walk around and look for sea glass.  I get so centered being in nature.  It doesn't have to be the beach - I'm just as happy on a hike.  It's nice to see my boys so excited to be participating and happy.  We played charades one night before bed.  It was awesome to see how one son totally got the idea and the other had a harder time not talking.  (and for those that know my kids, it was actually C that had the harder time being quiet than L for a change!)

My week this week has been busy, but I have been receiving a lot of nice feedback at work on the job I've been doing, and I am so thankful for that.  We have had a lot going on, and it is nice to hear good things.  Church is awesome, and this week, I will be at the church 5 of 7 days for services and/or rehearsals.  What a gift to be able to share the gift and heart that God has given me for His service.  Palm Sunday is this weekend, and we'll be presenting some beautiful songs.  Communion on Wednesday evening will set the stage for the juxtaposed reverence and celebration of Easter Sunday.  Here's a teaser that one of the very talented members of the worship team made.  There are snippets of me in the video, but that's not what it's about - it's about the sacrifice, the gift, the GRACE and MERCY that God provided in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  If you're in the Cape Cod area and need a place to worship and celebrate on Easter Sunday, join us!

**crickets chirping** Uh, is this thing on?

Usually when I am not blogging, that means some sort of meltdown is nearing, taking place, or I have completely given in to hermit mode.  That is NOT the case, and I'll try to fill you guys in on the last couple of weeks.

Now that I'm looking back, it's been 3 weeks since I blogged for a weigh in.  I was at 184, had just been to the ER for stroke-like symptoms, and all that jazz.

My weigh in yesterday brought me to 181.0.  That means I have lost more than 10% of my body weight since January 1.  Folks, that is just amazing.  Simply amazing.  And I have to tell you that my Weight Watch Us group on base has been instrumental in that accomplishment - even more than that, our leader, Nicole, and my bestie, was up at 3 am on my weigh in day so excited because she just KNEW I was going to make it.  She even blogged about my accomplishment on her blog.  How awesome is that?  It is more than encouraging to have one person in your life that is a genuine FAN - Someone who loves you, supports you, defends you, kicks your butt, and does it with no expectation of reciprocation.  I am fortunate to have more than one of those people in my life, but I am so thankful that Coley and I are here together traveling different journeys, but supporting one another all the same.  It's a gift.  

Now in that initial "when can I make my goal" planning stage of this journey, I was really hoping to be at my goal by my birthday.  Well, that's just a few weeks from now, and completely unreasonable.  That's okay.  I know that whatever weight I am at that point, if I continue losing, will be the lowest weight I've been since I got married.  The most recently I've been under 180 since 2000 was for a brief few weeks in 2009, right before I dropped my basket (forgive the Ya Ya reference, but that's the closest it comes to explaining things).  

I am feeling pretty well, considering I have had a migraine for 3 weeks.  Yeah...that's right.  Those stroke-like symptoms were determined to be late-onset migraine headache symptoms.  That headache has been around since Feb 23, and is just now dwindling since starting a prednisone taper and neurontin (in addition to all the other junk I take every day).  I visited with a neurologist, and we have a treatment plan in place to prevent and treat any future headaches there might be.

It is important to me - so unbelievably important - that I am more than my illness(es).  I know so many people dealing with "stuff" heavier than mine.  My beautiful friend, Angela, is fighting a battle that is unthinkable after dealing with more "stuff" than any family deserves.  Her BFF just watched her daughter receive her forever heart and slip from this world to the next this past week after a valiant fight in a little body that just couldn't hold all of what Morgan had to offer the world.  With those people, who am I to complain about some aches and pains?  God has blessed me in so many ways to dwell on my health issues.  My responsibility on my journey right now, I believe, is to make the most of what I have where I am right now. 

I have a lot going on in the coming weeks at church and at work.  We are preparing for Easter at church, which is very exciting.  I was asked to sing at our Communion service and on Easter Sunday, which is an honor.  I had a great time going out to shop for an Easter dress.  It wasn't ALL fun - I was pretty bummed that the tailored dresses I liked I needed in a 14 for my chest and shoulders, but would have needed to be taken in for the waist to fit properly.  It's a good thing, but I'm such a dress girl (and so cheap) that it was frustrating for me.  I did find something I love, and I am super excited to have found it.  This is going to mean lots of evening rehearsals right after work, so if you don't hear from me much in the next couple weeks, please bear with me.  

I'm going to wrap this one up.  Please continue to follow Nicole and support her on her journey over at Cupcakes to Cardio.  I do respect that her journey is different than mine, and that she wanted to write on her own, but she thinks all "my" readers aren't interested in her story.  Prove her wrong.  ;)

Please share our blogs if you know someone who might benefit from them.  Please click to follow me.  Please let me know if there is something you would like to know more about - in my journey, in my life, anything.  I would be happy to write any of it out.  

And next time, don't let me get by with 3 weeks and no blogging!  

NSV alert - I tucked in my shirt today! HUGE, huge progress!

Including veggies is easy!

Why is it that we have such a hard time including vegetables in our daily diet when it is so easy to bulk our meals up with them!?

Some of my favorite ways lately are:

1) A large salad or pile of fresh or steamed veggies to fill at least half the plate. We were having spaghetti this particular evening and I knew i didn't want to use too many points on the pasta. It was very filling to crunch on some broccoli and cauliflower - and good for me, too!

2) Lettuce leaves in place of bread is a fantastic way to incorporate green leafy veggies and save some points. For lunch a few days ago I had some leftover turkey burger patties and I wanted an alternative to bread. I put a little spicy mustard and the turkey in green leaf lettuce and rolled it up. It was so tasty!

3) The easiest incorporating plan for veggies is also my favorite. I heat them through in the pan and then add an egg white. Essentially I have a little scrambled egg with my veggies. I love zucchini, spinach, mushrooms, peppers, onions, tomatoes... Just so many yummy choices! It is a super fast breakfast (or dinner) packed with easy, nutritious yumminess!  (Oh, and those aren't pancakes - it's deli thin sandwich slices with 1 tsp of syrup on top.  YUM!)

My challenge for you is to incorporate veggies in a meal this week intentionally that you wouldn't have before, and then tell me what you did!