I went to the doc today for an issue (after being urged by Nicole yesterday) and she and I were talking about my overall health. She noticed my progress right away and commented that I had lost weight since I saw her last. I asked her to flip back in my chart and tell me what my highest weight was when I moved here. You're not going to believe this.
I weighed 221...
...within the past 2 years.
Two hundred twenty one pounds. That is just astounding to me. Thinking back, I can't imagine how it must have felt on my body to carry that around! I weigh 35.5 lbs less than that right now. I'm trying to make some big profound connection or something, but I just keep coming back to, "Crap. That's really significant."
I am proud of my progress. I honestly don't see that much in the mirror. There are some mornings where I'm still afraid I'm going to step on the scale and see numbers over 200 again. That's just an unhealthy thought process, but I'd be putting on a facade if I didn't own up to that.
These pictures are from Fall 2010. Looking at them now, I can't believe that is me. I really can't. (Oh, and I was in 40's dress for the first one - I don't wear little hats like that generally...)
My rambling is going to stop here for a bit. I'm just going to ask for prayers. I'm having some neurological symptoms that are causing concern. I am waiting for insurance approval and scheduling of a CT of my head. I'm having some "episodes" where it feels like my brain shorts out for a minute. My eyes lose focus, and it's like a couple seconds, but I'm not passing out. It is very hard to explain. My physician doesn't think I need to worry about stroke or anything, but she can't explain what the symptoms are from, so testing is underway. In the same vein, I am much more fatigued than normal right now, and I'm sure that has something to do with stress, something to do with fibromyalgia, and who knows what else. LOL. I try not to be a complainer - Nicole catches the brunt of it when I DO, though, and I am so thankful for her being here for me. My husband and children are fantastic at letting me get to bed early when needed. I just hate needing it, you know?
So here's my mantra for right now. I have to learn to love myself, and really build self confidence. Seeing these pictures and comparing them to changes I see in myself is a good start. Here's a picture I added to my Pinterest recently:
I'm not sure which magazine it is from or who said it, but I like it. I'm not able to strengthen myself physically very much right now, so I can work on some emotional muscle in the meantime.
Thanks for prayers, support, and love. Mostly love.